@SirEviscerate

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

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@mamapjs1

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

@iwearaonesie

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

@Dani_Feld

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

@KateWhineHall

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

@LizHackett

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

@GUBLERNATION

accidentally stabbed a friend last night but a little later a different friend caught on fire and i put him out with my hand so i’m even

@BadassBarbie11

The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.