LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH