Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
My first son he is wonderful
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google