Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
So that’s what we looked like?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”