Jamiroquai because Jamirosad.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
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I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF LITTLE PUPPER
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
cop: also you hit 26 cars
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.