@moooooog35

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

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@Angibangie

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

@SHOWERTHlNKING

What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?

@WinterRae82

Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

@DelanieFischer

One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.

@spaceboyriley

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

@Kyle_Lippert

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.