Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
You Might Also Like
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.