@ShortSleeveSuit

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

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@Rollinintheseat

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

@LittleMissAngr1

I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist’s office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I’m passive aggressive.

@eedrk

you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor

@offbeatoliv

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

@theshantilly

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

@velweb

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

@ZackBornstein

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

@simoncholland

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@man_spach

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!