*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
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I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist’s office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I’m passive aggressive.
you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor
Jesus take the wheel
~ Mexicans stripping a car
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!