Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
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Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
looks legit
me when I see my crush
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.