Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
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People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
The Struggle
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.