me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
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how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why