Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Knock Knock
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Going to church you guys need anything
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me