Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
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Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
🙂🙃🥹
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today