Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

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Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school


settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids


Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.


We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.


Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.


Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.


Eating a box of Thin Mints doesn’t make you thin.



He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*


Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.


I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.