Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.
Eating a box of Thin Mints doesn’t make you thin.
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.