Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Love is always patient and kind.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.