@MarfSalvador

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

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@DrakeGatsby

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@Social_Mime

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

@NintenDom

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@JRehling

Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.

@bgirl314

Eating a box of Thin Mints doesn’t make you thin.

Apparently.

@Reverend_Scott

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

@cakemittens

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

@mack44_d

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.