@T_N_Crumpets

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

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@Stalker_Clown

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

@Eightinchgoat

A fun thing to do while locking yourself in your house is to practice your knife throwing skills. Tomorrow it can be practicing your drywall repair skills.

@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

@batkaren

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

@glittergirlD43

Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?

@dubiousgenius

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

@caaataclysm

Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.

@Goofpoops

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…