Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

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I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.


I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.


A fun thing to do while locking yourself in your house is to practice your knife throwing skills. Tomorrow it can be practicing your drywall repair skills.


[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad


[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?


ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK


Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?


Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.


Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.


If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…