[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*



I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said


[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.


To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.


Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.


I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home


As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.


The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older