[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

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Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical


Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.


[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand


wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep


I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.


Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.


I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.


Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point


They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.


If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.