@OtherDanOBrien

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

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@vineyille

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

@bfrosty04

Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

@Swishergirl24

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

@DannyMcH2O

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

@JessObsess

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

@pittdave13

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

@Parkerlawyer

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

@neiltyson

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.