Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
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Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Human are so complicated
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I have questions??
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Pigeon open mic night.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions