lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

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I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.


I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.


How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test


Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.


Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.


my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something