lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.