lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
😂💯
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked