If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
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Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑