@nicky_prada

Lady one “What’s the worse thing your husband has said during sex?”

Lady two “Honey, I’m home”

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@koalaslament

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

@WilliamAder

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

@sarahwcurtis

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@daemonic3

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

@jazmasta

[emergency room]
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”

@NeinQuarterly

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

@WilliamAder

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.