I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn’t be president and Trump said “hold my beer, watch this”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
You Might Also Like
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)
ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Had a discussion with my boss about how lanyards can strangle…. conversation took a turn…. I am either fired or getting a HUGE raise x2
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.