@cloudypianos

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

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@thedad

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

@sageboggs

Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@filthyson

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

@ConanOBrien

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

@JohnLyonTweets

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

@tayziken

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

@notacroc

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is taco

ME: four please

JUDGE: we’re not-

ME: with chips

JUDGE: ordering

ME: *lips on mic* extra guac

@pilau

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

@XplodingUnicorn

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.