LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Real House Wines.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.