Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
this has to be peak English
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.