Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
You Might Also Like
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
They’re called werewolves.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.