WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
boss: can we talk?
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)