PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
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hear me out…
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.