@Robert_Beau

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

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@Book_Krazy

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

@OhHiAlyPie

Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT

@OllyiConic

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@MooseAllain

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

@BigJDubz

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

@mjm866

You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog

@MaraWilson

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

@BoscoPorter

Cashier: “Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?”