@Robert_Beau

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

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@Joshuawbenson

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

@McGrumpenstein

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

@tigersgoroooar

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

@BoomBoomBetty

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

@KentWGraham

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

@jamieleefinch

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

@causticbob

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

@Book_Krazy

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

@UnFitz

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.