Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
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[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat