Thinking of my mother at Christmas, looking down on me. She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?
8: Do you have cheese?
8: Do you have ham?
8: Do you have bread and mayo?
8: I want spaghetti
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997