There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
– Are you upset?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
M: I have what they call animal magnetism.
H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?
M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*