@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

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@garrydavenport

Thinking of my mother at Christmas, looking down on me. She’s not dead, just very condescending.

@TheRolo

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

@skwunt

Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?

8: Do you have cheese?

Me: yes

8: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

8: Do you have bread and mayo?

Me: YES

8: I want spaghetti

@david8hughes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

@bornmiserable

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

@HRTSMRT

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

@Brampersandon_

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

@portmanteauface

Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997