@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

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@Snarfernini

There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family

@HomeWithPeanut

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

@MissMalbec

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

@onyxaminedlife

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

@julezmac

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

@TheCatWhisprer

Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.

@Elizasoul80

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

@BastardProphet

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

@Tbone7219

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

M: I have what they call animal magnetism.

H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?

M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*