Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.