The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Spa day..😅
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot