Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
So inspired right now.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Tastes like chicken.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert