@inSanelySami

Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

@mom_tho

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

@Bandersnaaatch

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

@ComedyPosts

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

@ThisOneSayz

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

@badbanana

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

@skittle624

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

@rikpayne

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…