“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
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R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…