*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
You Might Also Like
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.
Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Hate it when couples fight & change their relationship status to “single”. I fight with my parents, and don’t change my status to “orphan”.
[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”