Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
lancelot: we have to work together arthur
lancelot: yes I am
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Don’t say “zoinks” during sex unless it’s spooky.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
“Why do we park in a dri
Me: My back molar’s really sensitive
Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque
Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle