@skwint1

lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am

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@Maxine12333

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

@spaceboyriley

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@dimplesticks

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

@notalogin

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

@KissabiX

Me: My back molar’s really sensitive

Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive

@InternetHippo

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle