A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
You Might Also Like
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Childbirth is so beautiful
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15