[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
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Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
this has to be peak English
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
It was worth a shot 😂
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I’m Sold!
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.