Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

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me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no


[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*


My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.


most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns


My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.


When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.


My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.


…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.