Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
You Might Also Like
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Me trying to “trust the process”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this