@PleaseBeGneiss

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

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@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@ojedge

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

@GingerHotDish

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

@skullmandible

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

@jamespianka

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

@ThePaigeRandall

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

@notfaizzy

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.