me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?
driving test instructor: no
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: *breathes* *gains weight*
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.