Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
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[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.