*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My blood type is b hungry.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
stand with me against insufficient seating
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone