@KevinFarzad

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

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@seamussaid

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

@Wine_Honey1

Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties

@ClichedOut

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

@RandiLawson

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

@lmwortho

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

@English_Channel

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

@brendohare

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

@eedrk

It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power

@fishbowel

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it