@KevinFarzad

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

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@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@JimGaffigan

“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich

@StrugglesBGbb

It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.

@jackiembouvier

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

@DurtMcHurtt

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

@NicestHippo

“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*

@IRLPepperMD

*talking to mailman*
So are you like, made of mail?
*mailman laughs* “sure, kid”
So that must mean..
*fireman & garbageman walk by*
Holy shi

@Divergentmama

I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.

@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

@NikkiGlaser

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.