Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!