Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

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I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.


“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich


It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.


[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.


This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.


“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*


*talking to mailman*
So are you like, made of mail?
*mailman laughs* “sure, kid”
So that must mean..
*fireman & garbageman walk by*
Holy shi


I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.


If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.


Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.