Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once


Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties


[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent


Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides


My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.


me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn


By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies


It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power


Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it