Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[email protected] My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”