.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*