*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.