Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
how was your vacation
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Doctors texting each other.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…