@rajandelman

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

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@dreamthievin

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

@AbbyHasIssues

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

@Koonass3

If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

@vikkaroni

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

@iLiveSilent

In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.

@jonnysun

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

@Dawn_M_

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.