Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
😂💯
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.