LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My dog learned how to text
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.