“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
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BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
*puts arm around you*
You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.
*steals your pizza*
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that