Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
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Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.