Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
My circle of trust is a meatball
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.