LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
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’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
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