“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
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Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.