Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
🛁
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.