so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.