@ivadixit

last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”

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@JermHimselfish

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

@bwebster76

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

@coryrichardson_

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water

@TheIronSherk

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

@emptydahl

Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.

@humanaaron

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

@MrSpoonicorn

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

@yenniwhite

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

@bobvulfov

[a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we