Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we