Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@_steamy_mac

If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@sucittaM

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

@ThugPickles

OMG! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! “OMG.” Wtf are you doing?! “HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!”

@AntozWolf

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

@AuthorGaylord

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

@panmidwest

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

@ClichedOut

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

@FilthyRichmond

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

@newLettuce

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste