last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches