[last day as head juror]

judge: how do you find the defendant

me: guilty

judge: and the full sentence?

me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty

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her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea


her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika


When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?


Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?


The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.


*chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table

Can I hold your baby?


Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably


Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
[dr] yup
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream


[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
[it starts raining buckets of pee]


[creating the Minotaur]

Zeus: you want a bull centaur?

Pasiphae: yeah

Zeus: but pissed off all the time?

Pasiphae: yeah

Zeus: *thinks a while* so let’s just give it the front half of the bull.

Pasiphae: Wut?

Zeus: like a hairy Ken doll