@NOTVIKING

[last day as head juror]

judge: how do you find the defendant

me: guilty

judge: and the full sentence?

me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty

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@_coryrichardson

her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea

[later]

her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika

@AntozWolf

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@McNarstle

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

@badbanana

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

@Poutymcgee

*chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table

Can I hold your baby?

@UnFitz

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

@ibid78

Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
[dr] yup
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream

@ibid78

[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
“NO KID, WAIT-
[it starts raining buckets of pee]

@Roy_oh_Roy

[creating the Minotaur]

Zeus: you want a bull centaur?

Pasiphae: yeah

Zeus: but pissed off all the time?

Pasiphae: yeah

Zeus: *thinks a while* so let’s just give it the front half of the bull.

Pasiphae: Wut?

Zeus: like a hairy Ken doll