me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
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I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?