[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Tier 3 meme
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
“you recording!?”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming