[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
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me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away