last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
One of the best
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
December birthdays be like…
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
lol
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?