@ObscureGent

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

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@DontTouchMyWine

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

@jazmasta

Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries

@semple42

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

@AthenaMystique

Dear Google Maps,

Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.

Kthnxbye

@KentWGraham

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

@meganamram

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

@GrantTanaka

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

@LeBearGirdle

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

@BrettDruck

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997