Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
*starts scraping off her stickers*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Dear Google Maps,
Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
son: she’s too heavy
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997