[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
i did the math
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.